Chuck Spezzano
(From his book One Hundred Healing Principles)


Sex is an aspect of communication which, like all communication, can comfort, heal, renew, replenish and refresh.


With sex, you can learn to be an excellent lover and communicator, as you become aware who it is you are really making love to.

Sex can also become a battleground around needs.

If sex is not working for us, we must first look at our own attitude and beliefs. Many times sex has become a form of taking to get our needs met, or a form of giving to take. Sex can become a fight where we attack or withdraw, in an effort to gain the upper hand. We can attempt to control ourselves in sex, or our partner, out of fear or guilt, or past painful experiences or beliefs. This can be so hidden as to look like it is our partner’s problem, while we are completely clean.

With a couple, if one has a problem it is a problem for both, though one may have the conflict more on a subconscious level.

Using sex as a form of control, is a misuse of sex as a healing gift.
What we misuse, we are misused by.
If sex is misused, it can easily become a place of heartbreak.
If heartbreak occurs, many times our ego’s strategy is to make sex unimportant, or our heart unimportant, by cutting the connection between our heart and our sex. This dissociates us, and has the effect of turning us and others into objects. Then we must win back our hearts, and reconnect them with our sexuality.

If sex has become unsuccessful, we must look at whom we are getting revenge on. We might look at how we are trying to use sex to build our specialness, which denigrates our partner.

If sex has become boring, we must examine how we are trying to keep sex emotionally safe by the level of control we are exerting on ourselves, our partner, or allowing them to exert on us. Awareness, risk, communication and joining are great antidotes to boredom.

If sex is dead, it can be a reflection that our life or relationship is in the ‘Dead Zone’ and we are playing roles or working through Oedipal issues, competition, or fear of the next step. Communication, commitment, awareness and truth are great antidotes to this.

If we were heartbroken around sex, it is time to commit to our heart, our sexuality and their reconnection. This will allow us commitment in a relationship, and open the way for us to be a better partner. Without this, we will stay independent, dissociated and never reach true partnership.

Sex can change whatever mood or pain we are in. It can quickly move through a layer of whatever we are healing. The intimacy, love, tenderness, energy, fun, excitement and sweetness that can be shared in sex can really make a difference in the quality of our lives.

We can give the energy of what our partner craves in sex, which may be beauty, intimacy, sexual excitement, masculinity, peace, healing, femininity, and grace, bringing them love and fulfilment.

Sex can take us to the next step of relatedness and partnership, bringing more joy and enjoyment. Our relationship to our sexuality correlates directly with how our life is going, and to our life scripts. It provides a mirror which reflects the very heart of our lives and our relationships.

We live at a time where sex is either greatly exaggerated, or repressed. Yet we can be the leaders we came to be by the success in our own sex lives. Sex can be a wonderful form of loving, joining, healing and play in spite of the Zeitgeist.

Whatever sex is in our life, we can make it even better.


Let go of past guilt, shame, grievances, broken taboos and mistakes around sex, or you will punish your present partner for your past. To hold onto them is just to use them in a mistaken attempt to try and hide your fear, rather than heal it.

If you are withholding or attacking with sex, you are cheating yourself out of one of the easiest ways to transform your relationship, and motivate your partner.

If you shut the door on sex, it might be time to reopen it at a whole new level. If you are afraid to open the floodgates of your sexual feelings, because you might go out of integrity, ask your higher mind to be in charge and guide you.

Let sex become a joyful sharing in your life, a place you can give yourself, connect with your partner and heaven, and share love and grace.